Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
