Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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