I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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