my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
