Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
