i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
