i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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