This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
