Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
