can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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