Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
