and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it hurts more in the daytime
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
