my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
