My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize