Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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