By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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