i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
