found the other keg... it's in the tree
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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