I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
