I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
did i just pee glitter
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
