Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize