The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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