I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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