I just pynch a tree in the face
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
