Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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