what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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