Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
