Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
