Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
