Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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