just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
