My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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