Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
