i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
