Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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