Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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