Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
