I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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