I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
