Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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