So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize