he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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