Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
