Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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