I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
its liver damage thursday
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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