ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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