it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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