Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
