we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
