Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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