I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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