"it" just moved
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
not ubering you a puppy
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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