Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Vodka?
Forever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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