it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
