Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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