I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
