i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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