I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
