it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Randomize
