It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
