I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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