I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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