pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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